Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Happiness rambling...

Is it possible to be completely happy. We see people on TV and in Movies who seem to be happy, doing the things they want to do, spending their day dedicated to just that. Is it possible for us normal people to feel like that too? Do we have to go through some years of not quite content to get there first?
I have been reflecting about how I feel. I do a lot of things to avoid studying, especially when I'm not interested in what I'm studying. Why am I not interested? I chose to study maths at university, I should love it. I managed to convince the universities I applied to that I did, but why can't I convince myself? There are aspects I like about it, like solving problems, finding patters, etc. but there is so much more that just annoys me to the point that i just want to throw something. Thats definetly not happiness. I feel like I am a grumpy person, I tend to dwell on the bad things. I don't always focus on the good, and maybe I should.
I do enjoy Education Studies, well part of it. I like the discussions, I don't like the essays, unless it's on something very interesting. But reading up on how we learn, creativity, how education has developed, etc. it fascinates me, and I actually get drawn into the reading. Reading is not my favourite activity, so it must be really interesting for me to read. Debating and disscussing education makes me feel happy, I feel more alive and engaging. Why can't that feeling carry on in my life?
I'm not saying I'm not ever happy. There are many things I enjoy, but I'm wondering why I'm not doing them more often. Why am I sitting in my College room, slaving over some revision? To get a job. BUt if I'm not enjoying myself now, why shoud I enjoy my job? Surely it's related? And my plan was that it would be, I'd go on and teach maths...I'm not sure that plan will make me happy anymore.

I think what I'm basically trying to say is: I don't know what I want out of life, but I hope it makes me happy.

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